Week 13 Story: Mr. Smith
This story is now in my google site.
Once upon a time, there was a young woman, Elizabeth, who was looking for a man to marry. Elizabeth had many suitors, too many to count. She loved men and she loved dating many at the same time. But, there was one man in particular she liked more than the others, his name was Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith was tall and built like a strong lumberjack. He treated Elizabeth better than any of her other suitors and one day he decided he needed to marry Elizabeth. He asked her to marry him and Elizabeth excitedly agreed. A couple weeks had gone by of being engaged an everything was going great. He kept telling Elizabeth how amazing his mansion was in the Hamptons that they were going to move into together but he would not let her see it because he wanted it to be a surprise. Mr. Smith told Elizabeth that he needed to go out of town for business for a couple of days and Elizabeth thought this was the perfect time to go and get a sneak peek at the house, she had been dying to see it.
That next day Elizabeth woke up and went on a drive to go and see the house. When she arrived it was more beautiful than she had even imagined. The house was huge with multiple windows, high walls, and an amazing front door. She decided that after seeing it she could not just look from the outside but needed to go inside. Elizabeth approached the door and knocked, no one answered. She went to open the front door and it was unlocked, she went in. When she entered she yelled but no one responded, she was amazed at the beauty of this house and could not wait to get a look around. As she continued to look around she began to get a bad feeling, the house looked as no one had lived here. There was dust everywhere, the furniture was covered in stuff and every blind was shut. For such a beautiful house it was not kept as nice on the inside. When she went upstairs she came to double doors, on the door there was a sign that said "Do not enter." Elizabeth was brave and decided to enter, when she did she screamed. Inside the doors was a room full of women's dead bodies. She began to run for the front door but heard something outside, she looked and it was Mr. Smith dragging in a woman's dead body. She ran and hid behind a couch. When Mr. Smith entered he laid the girl down and went to pull off the huge diamond ring off her finger. When he did this the ring went flying, it landed right next to Elizabeth. Mr. Smith went to find the ring but much to his surprise Elizabeth was there.
Elizabeth was never seen again.
Once upon a time, there was a young woman, Elizabeth, who was looking for a man to marry. Elizabeth had many suitors, too many to count. She loved men and she loved dating many at the same time. But, there was one man in particular she liked more than the others, his name was Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith was tall and built like a strong lumberjack. He treated Elizabeth better than any of her other suitors and one day he decided he needed to marry Elizabeth. He asked her to marry him and Elizabeth excitedly agreed. A couple weeks had gone by of being engaged an everything was going great. He kept telling Elizabeth how amazing his mansion was in the Hamptons that they were going to move into together but he would not let her see it because he wanted it to be a surprise. Mr. Smith told Elizabeth that he needed to go out of town for business for a couple of days and Elizabeth thought this was the perfect time to go and get a sneak peek at the house, she had been dying to see it.
That next day Elizabeth woke up and went on a drive to go and see the house. When she arrived it was more beautiful than she had even imagined. The house was huge with multiple windows, high walls, and an amazing front door. She decided that after seeing it she could not just look from the outside but needed to go inside. Elizabeth approached the door and knocked, no one answered. She went to open the front door and it was unlocked, she went in. When she entered she yelled but no one responded, she was amazed at the beauty of this house and could not wait to get a look around. As she continued to look around she began to get a bad feeling, the house looked as no one had lived here. There was dust everywhere, the furniture was covered in stuff and every blind was shut. For such a beautiful house it was not kept as nice on the inside. When she went upstairs she came to double doors, on the door there was a sign that said "Do not enter." Elizabeth was brave and decided to enter, when she did she screamed. Inside the doors was a room full of women's dead bodies. She began to run for the front door but heard something outside, she looked and it was Mr. Smith dragging in a woman's dead body. She ran and hid behind a couch. When Mr. Smith entered he laid the girl down and went to pull off the huge diamond ring off her finger. When he did this the ring went flying, it landed right next to Elizabeth. Mr. Smith went to find the ring but much to his surprise Elizabeth was there.
Elizabeth was never seen again.
Author's Note: This story is based off the story "Mr. Fox." It is very similar but in that story it is based in the olden times but Mr. Fox is a wealthy man that wins a woman's heart and tells her about his castle that they are going to live in. When she goes to look at it she comes upon a bunch of dead bodies and panics. She goes to leave but hides behind a pice of furniture, when he tried to get the ring off it landed next to her but he did not go looking for it. She was able to escape. When she went to sign the marriage papers she confronted him about what she had found and she and her brothers killed Mr. Fox. My story is similar but still different, in my story Elizabeth is not so lucky to get away.
Bibliography: "Mr. Fox" By: Joseph Jacobs
Hello, Paige!
ReplyDeleteThis was a very interesting story! I was expecting it to be a love story, but I like the twist you gave of her being murdered...or possibly enslaved? I am a fan of thriller movies, books, etc., so this story is right up my alley! You described the part where Elizabeth goes into the house very well, I was able to visualize the state of the unkept home, which was very eerie. One suggestion that I have is that there are a few grammatical errors throughout which can disrupt the flow of the story. I look forward to reading another one of your stories!
Best,
Madi
Hey Paige!
ReplyDeleteWow, you definitely caught me off guard with this one. I expected this to be one of those stories where the protagonist is told not to do something or else they lose the great thing they have been promised, hence she would look at the house, he would find out, and refuse to marry her. I had no idea he would end up being a murdering fiend. I much prefer stories that end happily, but it does seem more realistic that the story would end the way that you have rewritten it. Great job with the story!
-Cat
Hey Paige, interesting story you have here! The premise for this story is an excellent start to a great thriller. You might consider expanding the story in a few places though. One place that could benefit significantly from some expansion is the buildup to her discovery of the bodies. In addition, the description of the action after she goes to hide could use a boost to make this a really exciting story. Great start though!
ReplyDeleteHi, Paige! I really liked your story! I have not read the original version, but after reading your version and the authors note, I think I have a pretty good idea as to what the original version was about! I do think you have an interesting writing style, and there were many twists and turns that I was not expecting throughout your story. Overall, I think you did a great job with your story!
ReplyDeleteHi Paige! I love how your story seems like it is going one way when it starts, but then takes a dramatic turn! When I read your story but had not yet read the Author's Note, I thought your story was based on the story "Blue Beard." I read this in the European Reading section, and it tells the story of a man who married a young woman, and she discovers that he has killed all his ex-wives.
ReplyDelete